Twilight: Characterization Through Buzz-Words

Twilight Recap: After a walk in the woods, Bella has decided that vampire-or-not, she's going to continue to crush on Edward.

Twilight, Chapter 7: Nightmare

I am going to make an executive decision today and that executive decision is this: I am going to power through the rest of this chapter like there is no tomorrow. I'm hoping we can finish it in one post. Two, tops.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking. But Ana, you are most likely thinking, we have only spent four posts on this chapter; five if you count this one. That's not very many posts for a chapter as long as this. And you will note that there are still pages and pages left in this chapter.

And you would be right, O Reader! We have not spent more than five weeks on this ridiculously long chapter and if the gods of literary criticism are on our side, we are not going to spend more than five weeks on it because OH MY GOD NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS CHAPTER. Do you know how hard it is to make interesting commentary on this chapter? This is the outline for this chapter:

  1. Bella has a dream. 
  2. Bella gets up and details every little thing about her morning. 
  3. Bella does a Google search. 
  4. Bella stomps out into the forest to think about her Google search. 
  5. Bella comes back home and does homework. 
  6. Bella goes to school and turns down Mike for the eight millionth time. 
  7. Bella talks to Charlie about the next chapter. 

You see that? I nearly bored myself to death just typing that. So today we're going to skip over the bulk of that and actually talk about the only thing interesting in this interminably long chapter: Bella's reaction to Macbeth. It's very topical, I promise!

   It was just noon when I got back inside. I went upstairs and got dressed for the day, jeans and a t-shirt, since I was staying indoors. It didn’t take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft contentedly, more serene than I’d felt since . . . well, since Thursday afternoon, if I was being honest.
   That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful part for me, the part I agonized over. [...]
   This decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy.

Maybe it's just that I'm a curmudgeony curmudgeon, but I'm starting to roll my eyes at all the insistence that no, really, this is super-dangerous and highly-actiony. Yes, you shot down pop-up windows Bella; yes, you're making an uber-dangerous decision. You're quite a rebel. Get on with it.

And, curmudgeonyness aside, this feels like a mark of bad writing to me. There's nothing wrong with having a nice, calming Thinky Chapter to let the reader catch up to everything that's going on. Or, for that matter, with having a nice, tense Thinky Chapter to let the reader build up some much-needed dread for what is to come. Indeed, there are many different kinds of Thinky Chapters and most of them are valid and valuable in a novel like this one.

But a Thinky Chapter shouldn't be dressed up with a lot of window dressing that tries to insist that it's really an Action Chapter. All this huffing and shooting (ads) and stomping and storming and dangerousing just makes Bella seem over-wrought and childish, and a dozen or more potential interesting leads are doused before they've even had a chance to start. (For instance, from a paragraph not shown because it never panned out into anything: Bella is lost in the woods! No, wait, she's not.)

And, in some ways, this is a problem with Twilight in general. Obviously lots of people love these books and enjoy settling down to marinate in the fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I don't... get it. For me, at least, it frequently seems like this book is a series of leads in to potentially interesting action only to be almost immediately resolved. I mean, just so we're on the same page here, this is an Epic Tale of Romance where the two leads are happily coupled by the end of chapter 9. In a book that is 24 chapters long. What are we going to have to read about once Edward and Bella are happily boy/girlfriended? (Spoiler: Vampire Baseball.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I just miss not having the sort of tension that I would expect in a vampire novel or a romance novel or a vampire romance novel.

   And so the day was quiet, productive -- I finished my paper before eight. Charlie came home with a large catch, and I made a mental note to pick up a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week.

The rest of this paragraph is about how thinking about the Seattle trip thrills Bella with a feeling that should-be-fear-yet-isn't because Edward (he-who-may-be-a-vampire) is giving her a ride to Seattle, but I think it's far more interesting that Charlie is an avid fisherman and Bella is an avid cook and yet those particular streams have apparently never yet been crossed.

Which makes some sense, I guess, if Bella learned to cook after she stopped visiting Charlie in Forks, since Arizona isn't exactly the fresh fish capital of the world, but then I find myself wondering why she doesn't just learn to cook fish from Charlie and then I hit up against the unavoidable suspicion that Charlie, Avid Fisherman doesn't know how to cook what he kills and just lets the women on the reservation cook for him.

   I slept dreamlessly that night, exhausted from beginning my day so early, and sleeping so poorly the night before. I woke, for the second time since arriving in Forks, to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. [...] I opened the window -- surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years -- and sucked in the relatively dry air.

There are three things of interest here: One, Bella slept without dreams because Edward isn't in the area to pop into her room and stare at her all night long. Two, since the sun is out, Bella won't see Edward today at school and that will no doubt make her very sad. Three, the window opens flawlessly because Edward has been popping into her room, etc. etc. All caught up now? Then Bella describes how handsome Charlie is and what Renee saw in him when she got married to him. And we get this:

   But when he smiled I could see a little of the man who had run away with Renee when she was just two years older than I was now.


Renee was a teenage bride, too? Bella is seventeen; that means Renee was nineteen when she got married. And what's this "run away with"? Did their parents not approve of the marriage? WHAT HAPPENED WITH RENEE AND CHARLIE? And while I've always been weirded out that Movie!Renee is all woohoo-teen-marriage-yeah! with regards to Bella's romance and wedding, I'm now doubly weirded out because you'd really think that if Renee was married at 19 and divorced-with-a-baby at 21, then maybe she'd have something kind, gentle, and wise to say to her daughter on the subject of why this might not be the Best Idea Evah.

And now I need to go look up if Renee was really 21 at the time of the divorce. And HOLY FRIJOLES, BATMAN, there's a huge section on Renee in the otherwise-fairly-sparse Twilight Official Illustrated Guide.

Short(er) Version: Renee was born in California. Her parents divorced when she was a child, and she never really knew her father. Her mother was "bitter" and "hardworking". Renee "did not do well in school, despite the fact that she tested well". Does that mean she didn't like school or she didn't learn much despite being good at memorization or she did poorly at memorizing but rocked the essay exams? I honestly don't know. Renee moved out of her mother's home after high school and began a whirlwind adventure life of minimum wage jobs and summer-long road trips camping up and down the coast.

She feel in love with Charlie and he proposed to her. They were married by a justice of the peace with Charlie's parents and his three best friends in attendance; Renee's mother refused to respond to Renee's communications. Renee was happy with Charlie and enjoyed her job as a waitress in Forks and was excited to be pregnant, but then after Bella was born Renee became depressed by the constant rain and didn't want to raise her baby in Forks. She begged Charlie to leave with her, but he wouldn't, so she left on her own, moved back in with her mother Marie (who died when Bella was twelve) until she could complete her elementary education degree and find a job teaching kindergarten.

And since most of you have been wondering: Renee "did her best to keep herself from becoming entangled romantically" since she'd decided she was crummy at relationships and she worried about the effect her dating would have on her daughter. It was only after Bella encouraged Renee to start dating again that she found and fell for Phil.


Question: Does any of that come through in this book?

(Oh, and apparently Renee was born in 1968 and was divorced in 1989, so she was 21-ish when she left.)

And now I've forgotten where I left off. Probably just as well. Bella EATS BREAKFAST! and then DRIVES TO SCHOOL! and then DOODLES IN HER NOTEBOOK! and all the doodles are DARK EYES STARING AT HER! This is probably foreshadowing that she's obsessed with Edward Cullen (who has DARK EYES THAT STARE AT HER!) but it would have more impact if she didn't keep telling us every single page that she's literally obsessed with Edward Cullen.

And then Mike jogs over.

   He came to sit by me, the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the light, his grin stretching across his face. He was so delighted to see me, I couldn’t help but feel gratified.

I don't mean to be a curmudgeony curmudgeon, I swear, but I can't interpret this any way other than Bella being completely self-obsessed since her gratification here otherwise flings down all character consistency and dances upon it.

Bella does not like Mike. She's turned him down for a date to the Spring Dance, after which he uncomfortably harangued her and tried to bully her into changing her made-up-on-the-spot plans that she'd created in order to avoid going with him. He's made her intensely comfortable by openly admiring her at the beach outing when she wanted to be left alone, and he acted inappropriately territorial towards Jacob. Bella was annoyed enough by this last offense to double her efforts to flirt with Jacob, just to get back surreptitiously at Mike. WHO SHE DOES NOT LIKE.

So now that Mike is doing the thing that he always does -- grin delightedly at Bella -- and this thing always makes Bella uncomfortable to the point of triggering her flight response, Bella now feels... gratified.


This is not consistent characterization. The only way I can think to make this work is that Mike's open admiration brings discomfort only when there are witnesses nearby, and his open admiration brings gratification and pleasure when they are (relatively) alone. And this makes Bella seems so deeply shallow to me: she craves admiration from people she doesn't like, but only if there are no witnesses to pressure her to reciprocate kindness. I really don't think S. Meyer meant for Bella to seem that way, but she's such an inconsistent character that I can't keep up.

   "I never noticed before -- your hair has red in it," he commented, catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze. [...]
   I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.

Yes! This is an uncomfortable thing! The boy who keeps trying to worm his way into a relationship despite your constant refusals to date or go out with him, the boy who tries to bully you into changing your plans to suit his needs, the boy who acts territorial over you to nice strangers you are trying to have a conversation with -- THAT BOY getting in your personal space bubble is an uncomfortable thing! I agree with that!

What I do not understand, Bella, is why you forgot all that behavior thirty seconds ago in order to bask in the admiration that he continually offers you despite your clear indications that it is unwelcome.

   "What did you do yesterday?" His tone was just a bit too proprietary.

Mike, if you are not vampire nommage by the end of this novel, it will be a huge disappointment to me.

Bella, a pro-tip for you: use proactive motion to get out of these conversation. "Worked on my essay -- oh! It's almost time for class, you coming?" *scoop up notebook, walk briskly away towards large group of classmates* This also would have worked on Beach Day when Mike tried to get you to sit shotgun with him: "Oh, I prefer the back so I can chat with the girls. But thanks!" *flash smile, walk briskly to large group of classmates* I'm not victim-blaming you; it's just that this novel would be blessedly shorter if I didn't have to deal with TRAPPED BY MIKE! once per chapter.

   "I mostly worked on my essay." I didn’t add that I was finished with it -- no need to sound smug.
   He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Oh yeah -- that's due Thursday, right? [...] What are you writing yours on?"
   "Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."
    He stared at me like I’d just spoken in pig Latin.

Ha! You thought I was kidding when I said the only interesting thing in this chapter is Macbeth.

For the record, you don't get to find out Bella's answer to the question of whether or not Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters in Macbeth is misogynistic. I'm guessing (in my curmudgeonly way) that you don't get to find that out because it would require Bella knowing what "misogynistic" means beyond a simple "Lady Macbeth seems like kind of a jerkface, y'know?" And I quite frankly doubt that Bella has a strong grasp of Misogyny 101, because I kind of feel that if she did, she would be more effective at calling out all the misogyny that she herself experiences, over and over again, throughout this series.

I mean, really, I can count off the top of my head several instances of misogyny in this book so far that Bella has failed to internally label for what it is. Mr. Banner immediately assuming that she'd taken the Biology lab before rather than being simply good at it. Mr. Banner letting Eager-Beaver Mike manhandle her out of the classroom when she was in a near-faint. Mike blaming her for dealing with her faint in a Medically Appropriate Manner, and Edward dangerously scooping her up to carry her against her wishes. Charlie not doing almost no housework (outside of apparently doing the dishes) and relying on her to shop weekly, cook nightly, and do all the laundry washing once she arrived. Charlie buying her a car without verifying her make/model/detail preferences, and then trying to hide the truth of its age and condition. Charlie, Mike, Edward, Mr. Banner, ad infinitum.

Misogyny, despite the etymological root, isn't about "hating women" in the sense that one can, say, hate fire ants or hate broccoli. Misogyny isn't a simple checklist to fill out: Are all the women in Macbeth complicit in murder and/or deception? Circle one: Yes/No. Misogyny isn't a buzz word to be invoked to suddenly silence The Liberals or prove you're One Of Us: But what people don't understand is that The Hunger Games is inherently MISOGYNISTIC because the female protagonist kills people. The word isn't a talisman to be used that way, and it's certainly not a magic word that will suddenly imbue the female character saying it with Strong! Female! Character!

Bella, as fond as I sometimes am of her, is not a feminist. She's not Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You, champing at the bit to get up in class and lecture on misogyny in Shakespeare. Nor is she, for all her very serious flaws in this area, a Phyllis Schlafly leaping forth to combat the Feminist Menace.

Bella is neither of these things in part because she doesn't care about these things. Her EveryGirl character practically requires her to have no interests, no hobbies, no preferences. She likes books without passion and without detail: Austen and the Brontes are her safe go-to books when she has to name-drop someone, but as for what books dwell in Port Angeles that are not available in the Forks library, we have not a glimpse, not even an inkling of genre. (Unless you count the fish cookbooks.)

The subject of Bella's paper -- whether or not Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters in Macbeth is misogynistic -- is not a subject that was assigned to her or that she picked from a list. It's her own topic, as evidenced by Mike having clearly never heard of or considered such a thing before. But it's a topic that does not fit her character as outlined, a topic dropped into the narrative for no purpose or addition to her character except to try to glom a buzzword onto Bella. This book can't be misogynistic if the protagonist is a feminist! Quick! What are some feminist words? We're just lucky Bella doesn't try to later name-drop Gertrude Stein in equally-awkward passage.

In a way, I'm sorry we don't get to see Bella's paper, sad that we don't get to hear her reasoning. In a book that's about a young girl rushing to get married, pregnant, and vampire'd before she grows out of her teenage years, in a book that features an overbearing, virginity-obsessed father and an overbearing, virginity-obsessed boyfriend/husband, and in a book where college, careers, and higher fulfillment is only ever presented as an alternative to happy-sexy-married-life instead of something potentially complimentary, it would be nice to hear the protagonist's thoughts on misogyny and all its many and varied forms. It would be interesting to hear how she reconciles the problems she confronts in her beloved classical literature and how she extrapolates those issues and projects them onto the complex world around her. I would like that.

But we don't get that. We just get a quick drop of a feminist term to clumsily signal that Bella is Smart! Modern! Sassy! Strong! and then we drop right back into Bella angsting over how to tell Mike to please leave her alone without having to be direct, open, honest, or in any way lose all that gratification of being constantly adored.

But who am I really kidding? Bella probably just cribbed her topic from Wikipedia.

We didn't get through Chapter 7 today. All the sads forever.


Bificommander said...

Much as it would have livened up matters, these books have a shocking shortage of named characters dying. I think the evil vamps nom some nameless hikers, and the Volturi or whatever snack on a large group of American tourists, not that any of our beloved protagonists think of warning them. But outside of a few named villains, all the deaths are easily ignored. A shame. Even if it was the usual bitchy blond that died, or creepy Mike, it might get us some actually argumented angsting from Bella about her whole 'Hang out with the vampires. What a great idea!' mentality. As you mentioned in your previous post, one or two people Bella knows dying by vampires (especially if they attacked those people BECAUSE Bella knew them) might have gotten through to Bella's self absorbed considerations of safety for her and only her.

Jen said...

Which makes some sense, I guess, if Bella learned to cook after she stopped visiting Charlie in Forks, since Arizona isn't exactly the fresh fish capital of the world, but then I find myself wondering why she doesn't just learn to cook fish from Charlie and then I hit up against the unavoidable suspicion that Charlie, Avid Fisherman doesn't know how to cook what he kills and just lets the women on the reservation cook for him.

Actually, I can think of two other alternatives.

One, Charlie's fishing is normally entirely catch-and-release. He goes out, fishes to his hearts content, and at the end of the day he carries away only what he brought with him - and stops at McDonald's for a fish sandwich on the way home.

Two, Charlie normally cooks his own fish over a fire near the stream, and comes home after dark. If he's used to cooking where the main seasoning is the smoke of the fire, maybe some salt, and Bella's into more seasoning, home-made sauces, etc. (and little details like "at what temperature do I set the oven?"), he wouldn't necessarily be able to answer.

Actually, it could be as easy as Charlie always fries the fish up with salt and pepper, and Bella likes to broil meat with more seasoning... Of course, SMeyer could have *said* so, if that were the case...

hapax said...

I was completely distracted by the realization that I am older than Bella's MOTHER, and now I am going to wander about being sad and decrepit and OOOOOOLLLLLDDD the entire rest of the day.

But wait! I just remembered that I have the ARC of Larbalestier and Brennan's TEAM HUMAN, and I am only thirty pages into it, because practically every page I fall over laughing, and only superhuman restraint and a deep respect for copyright keeps my from typing the whole darn novel into this comment thread. And so I am happy again.

(But really, you should go pre-order this right now. Just... Francis. Bwa-ha-HAH, Francis..)

Ana Mardoll said...


I am SO looking forward to that book.

Silver Adept said...

You know, hearing this chapter described this way, and Bella in general through all of this, I think that Twilight could be reworked as the script for an 8-bit-era RPG pretty easily. (Or, for that matter, some of the more linear modern RPGS - looking a you, Final Fantasy XIII) There are only a few sprites that warrant more than just a line or two of dialogue, wherever they are. This chapter could be what happens when you try to explore the world and see what's going on around you before heading into the next scripting event - instead of a richly built world, we find ourselves constrained by boundaries on where to go next and what to do, all presented from the perspective of the character not wanting to stray outside their boundaries.

Then, a couple cutscenes, and we're back on track as the minor villain presents himself again to torment our heroine with his latest nefarious but ultimately ineffective plot. (Like most JRPGs, the real villain hasn't even presented themselves yet.)

As for the mentioned content, I'll defer to better wisdom on this, but Renee being a teen mother is a positive thing, at least in the Conservative Religious Upbringing model that we're working with - Renee found herself a man, married him, got pregnant with a child. Then got divorced as a last resort (ding against her character), but stayed chaste and didn't date anyone (as that would have been adultery) else until her worldly daughter encouraged her to go for it again (Bella, you corrupter, you), and now she's with someone who seems like he's too worldly for Bella, which gets a sort of stamp of disapproval and drives the plot of the book. We can't show a healthy family unit like that - it would be rewarding a divorcee with a happy life, so the daughter has to go somewhere else where the proper values of early marriage and early motherhood are still in force, and where the divorced dad has stuck to his chaste values and never dated anyone else in those many years. It's possible that just from the setup that this was going to be a marriage plot all along.

And then there's Mike. I think Bella's exultation of admiration from a distance but big discomfort at being too close also jibes with the values on display here. women are supposed to be put upon a pedestal and admired, not touched and lusted after outside of the commitments of marriage. Plus, Mike is creepy and controlling and altogether the kind of person that would take "Wives, be submissive to your husbands" as the Rule Of The House, nevermind any of those other bits that say "Husbands, take care of your wives and children." I still think Mike believes that he has dibs, if not already owns, Bella, and he's just trying to get her to see it that way, too, so everyone can be happy.

Trigger Warning for: Castration

Which means his goggle-eyed stare at Bella's use of the word "misogyny" is also squarely in character. As Ana mentioned, "misogyny" is one of those words that is an instant signal that this woman has somehow been influenced/corrupted/tainted by the power of Feminism. While it would be vulgar to say in the narrative "Upon hearing my topic, Mike's hand unconsciously moved to protect his genitals.", I suspect that Mike at least shrinks back a little bit in fear, because now it's only a question of whether Bella is an Equal Rights Amendment girl or a man-hater who would enjoy nothing more than making sure the young men of Forks are all castratos.

I would have liked to hear or read excerpts of Bella's paper, as well. But that's not what the word is there for. It's only there to reassure us that Bella is a strong-willed girl who willingly throws her future in with Edward Cullen. Because it's totally feminist if she chooses which of the abusive jerks she wants to date, marry, and have chlidren with.

[End TW]

Ana Mardoll said...

I'm tickled and delighted at the idea of a SNES Twilight RPG, if only because then the stilted wooden dialogue would seem immensely more appropriate!


Redwood Rhiadra said...

Renee "did not do well in school, despite the fact that she tested well". Does that mean she didn't like school or she didn't learn much despite being good at memorization or she did poorly at memorizing but rocked the essay exams?

Actually, it probably means did well on tests but didn't do the homework. At least when I went to school (admittedly in a somewhat later era), homework was generally between half and two-thirds of the grade.

chris the cynic said...

So what we've learned is that Bella is following in her mother's footsteps but is one year ahead of schedule. Thus Bella will leave Edward forever in 2008, taking hybrid child with her.

That's not nearly as much of a down ending as I thought it was. I thought she was going to be stuck with the abusive jerk forever.


(Like most JRPGs, the real villain hasn't even presented themselves yet.)

What do you call Edward?


As you mentioned in your previous post, one or two people Bella knows dying by vampires (especially if they attacked those people BECAUSE Bella knew them) might have gotten through to Bella's self absorbed considerations of safety for her and only her.

I don't know. Does that really seem likely to you, or does this seem more like what would happen:

I walked into the room and there he was, his pale skin seemed to glisten in the flickering fluorescent lighting and his eyes, now a deep burgundy that I could sink right into, met my own. Almost breathless, I said, "Hi," because I couldn't think of anything else.

He musically mumbled but I wasn't sure what he was saying, his mouth unfortunately full.

"What?" I asked, wishing that I could find a way to speak in more than monosyllables.

He lifted his teeth out of Jessica's neck, bright blood creating pleasing contrasts against his marble white skin as it dripped down his face, "It's nice to see you Bella," he said, and my heart skipped a beat. He sank his teeth back into Jessica, and picked up where he had left off.

I had to look away from his mesmerizing beauty just to allow my brain to form words, I focused on Mike's body, lifeless on the floor, and said, "It's nice to see you too. Are you having a pleasant meal?"

I glanced back at him and was stunned by his flawless face as he again disengaged from his meal and looked up at me. "They could use a bit more spice, to be honest," he said, his voice like a concerto. "I'd normally hold out for higher quality, but I was concerned that they might get between us so..."

"That's so sweet!" I said. He was making a sacrifice for the good of our relationship, it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. "You don't have to lower your standards just for me." I wasn't worth it. I was a nobody and he was perfect. It was more than I could ask for that he even noticed me. I hated to think of him settling for inferior food just for me.

"Don't be silly, I love you."

Emotion overcame me and I rushed over to hug him. He dropped Jessica's body to the floor so it wouldn't get between us. Physically the embrace was cold, but our love gave me all the warmth I would ever need.

I wanted to be as close to him as possible, so at first I tried standing on Jessica, but I couldn't keep my footing so Edward lifted me up and slowly spun around, then set me on the ground when there was no body in the way. He was so considerate.

I thought, for the thousandth time, that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Rikalous said...

If Bella's living in an old-style RPG, that explains the prophetic dream and the pinpoint accuracy of the local legend.

It also explains why there's so little detail about what Bella reads. Since you only get one page to read per bookshelf, she simply doesn't have enough reading material to give a general description of.

Ana Mardoll said...

You see a bookshelf.
> Look
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY... I don't like this one because it h
as a Edward.

You see a computer.
> Look
There are hundreds of pop adds!

chris the cynic said...

I want the Monkey Island version of Twilight.

Not sure what it would be like, not sure why I want it, but for some reason.

"I'm Bella Swan, I want to be a vampire."
"So you want to be a vampire, eh? You look more like a flooring inspector."


Blue Vampire: "Well, alright. But you don't become a vampire just by ASKING."
Black Vampire: "You'll have to go through..."
All Three Vampires: "The three trials!"
Bella: "Er... What three trials are those?"
Green Vampire: "There are three trials every vampire must pass..."

Rikalous said...

Now I'm trying to figure out what insult would set up "How appropriate. You fight like a corpse."

Omskivar said...

You fight like a mortician?

Silver Adept said...

@chris the cynic -

Well, while to us Ramblites, Edward is the villain, for purposes of the stories here, it's the three vampires and then Victoria/Volturi that are the real villain,, the real villain, and the conspiracy that has all the really real villains. Edward has the prized status of Male Hero Love Interest. Were this, say, Disgaea, that would make him a villain, but it's not, alas...

That said, your writeup of what it would be like if Edward were feeding on the locals had me in stitches.'re right. If Bella follows in her mother's path, the ending's not quite so bad.

Zork!Twilight is very funny. Maybe the Monkey Island!Twilight ends up more like Sam and Max? (Although who's going to take on Max's role of wanton random mayhem and destruction?)

Nathaniel said...

Just wanted to chime in to say, you captured the Meyer's prose down to a tee. I especially loved the breathless "hi" line, as that is the exact kind of schlock that Bella would think every single damn time she saw Sparkle Pants.

The only thing you're missing is a inaccurate use of "chagrin."

bekabot said...

***Not intended to be an exact quote.

cjmr said...

AAAAAHHHH! I'm the same age as Bella's mom!

/primal scream

cjmr said...

Going back and reading the other comments, I see hapax had virtually the same reaction.


Re: Didn't do well in school though she tested well.

I think that's the person who gets "Doesn't work to potential" on their school reports because they can ace a standardized aptitude test with one hand tied behind their back but can't figure out reading comprehension questions like, "Why do you think Bella wandered off into the forest?" or write a five paragraph expository essay to save their life.



And she clearly knows how to Google, can't she just look for fish recipes on the internet?

Brin Bellway said...

And she clearly knows how to Google, can't she just look for fish recipes on the internet?

That's what I was thinking, though it looks like I never got around to actually saying it. We do sometimes go through our paper cookbooks when looking for recipe ideas, but I don't think we've bought any new ones since the invention of recipe websites.

Izzy said...

Dude, I hear you. I walk to work through a college campus, and this week is pre-frosh campus tour times and OH MY GOD I AM ANCIENT AND WITHERED. Summon forth AN ICE FLOE that I may GO FORTH AND DIE, and no longer inflict my shriveled Methusalan presence upon the world.

On the other hand, Junior Mints.

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