Writings: Fantasy Realtor

Note: This was previously published on my Patreon.

This happened this month on my Twitter: 

You gotta feel like violent incels aren't a problem in fantasy worlds because they all probably try to summon a succubus, fail horribly, and get dragged to the nine hells as punishment.

Me, showing an apartment to prospective clients: "and the neighborhood is quiet, lots of high elves who keep to themselves. Oh, that right there is the summoning circle that got burned into the floor when the previous occupant summoned Lolth and mis-scribed one of his ruins..."

I'm delighted by how many of you want a D&D Realtor book. That may need to be a Patreon post.

The below post was scribbled shortly after. While giggling. I hope you enjoy.


"It's a quiet neighborhood, as you can see. Mostly elves and fey creatures who keep to themselves. The upstairs occupants are pixies so I mean, A, they weigh thirty pounds tops, and B, they have wings and fly. None of those stompy walking-around noises you usually get with upstairs neighbors. The last time I showed an apartment, the upstairs neighbors were orcs and you can just imagine.

"I should mention--it's really just the tiniest thing, but--the neighborhood folks tend to worship the Moon Goddess, so there's a wild hunt run every full moon. But honestly, as long as you keep your doors and windows closed and don't open them for anyone you should be fine. Personally always I've found moon followers to be easier to deal with than those elves who worship the Nature God; you never know when those antler wearing assholes are gonna break out a knife and a sacrificial stone. With the Moon Goddess, you're on a schedule. Put a calendar on the fridge, maybe get some stickers, and you're set for life.

"Oh, that brings me to the kitchen. Now you two are humans and this kitchen was originally fitted for dwarves. Well, that's why it's on the market, and not snapped up by one of the elf locals; they run pretty statuesque and tall around here, so the kitchen has been a bit of a sticking point with prospective clients looking to move in. But, if you don't mind me saying so ma'am, a lot of human women find they actually prefer the counters set for dwarven men's height over the ones set for human men's. Just try that out like you're chopping onions or something. Easier on your shoulders, isn't it? I thought it would be.

"Through here is the living room and-- yes, yeah, ha. I knew we'd need to talk about that. Well, the previous occupant was a single human man who kept to himself a lot. Lovely as a resident, always on time with the rent, but turns out he had some, uh, interesting hobbies. The burn mark is a summoning circle, obviously, but we weren't able to tell which kind. He must not have gotten the runes all correct when he scribed them and when they set ablaze due to the error all the detailing was lost and we were left with this indecipherable circular smear. On genuine hardwood floors, no less! Should be a crime, I tell you.

"Anyway, it's safe to say the summon was infernal-related; the clerics could tell the remains had been, uh, 'created'? Is that the way to describe someone's remains, as 'created'? Well, regardless: a demon did it. Or a devil; I can never keep the two clear in my head. Probably a succubus, based on the-- well, it doesn't really matter now, does it? Anyway, the cleaners have been over the burn marks twice and they say it's not coming up any more than it has, but you can hardly notice the actual blood anymore. A throw rug over the area would cover things just fine, and who doesn't like a cheerful throw rug to bring a room together?

"The master bedroom is in here and you're going to love how spacious it is, and all the natural light it gets. The bath is through that door, but before we-- hmm? Oh. Haha, well I mean. One of the previous occupants had a bit of a shapeshifter problem? I can't remember if it was full moons or new moons, but it was one of those. She didn't want to go on a rampage and damage the living room furniture, so she paid to install the shackles. They're really strong and fixed right into the foundations! When she moved, it would've been so expensive to take them out, plus they're kind of a feature? We do pride ourselves on accessibility for our cursed- and differently-bodied clients! There's no extra charge for them; you're free to ignore them or, you know. I can think of at least a couple uses for wall shackles, a young newlywed couple like yourselves.

"Oh! Speaking of, the master bath has a tub that fits most trolls. We went ahead and made that a standard feature for all our apartments, so you two practically have your own cozy little hot tub. Roomy for a human couple like yourselves; the pixies upstairs use it as a swimming pool for their kids. Isn't that darling?

"Water is included in the rent, yes. You do have to pay the city for trash pickup and disposal, but the monthly surcharge is cheap and paying it is easier than dragging everything out to the worm pens yourself. Plus if you pay the trash collection fee, the city sorts your recycling for you; you know those glass potion bottles aren't really good for the giant worms, and the wizards are always looking for bottles to reuse.

"Pets are allowed but there is a deposit in case of damage. No, I know, cat familiars don't exactly wreck the place, but we've had incidents you wouldn't believe. Three words: acid-breathing parakeets. Yeah. You can't imagine how long it took to clean that up. And, I mean, they were nice parakeets, but they were not house-trained at all. Dogs? There's one dog park up the road within walking distance, but I should warn you that it's membership-only after the hellhound incident. That was a rough day, let me tell you, but fortunately the clerics were able to fix everyone up. That's why we give a 10% clerical discount, by the way; it's just smart having healers live in you community, don't you think? I know it helps me sleep better at night.

"So what do you think? You don't have to decide today but I really should tell you I have a pair of gnome roommates who want to look at the room tomorrow, so-- You do? Oh, excellent! Let me walk you back to the office and we can fill out the paperwork to apply. Oh, the oracles run a credit check right there on the spot, so there's almost no waiting. Couple hours, tops, and we'll have a key in your hand. You won't regret this!"


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