Film Corner: Sunshine


SUNSHINE: In the year 2057, Earth's last hope lies with a spacecraft whose mission is to deliver a nuclear device designed to reignite our fading sun. I was informed this would be a good one after Event Horizon. I'm a little worried because it sounds like that dreadful CORE movie where they wanted to jump-start the earth's core and usually I can deal with Science Doesn't Work That Way but that one was a doozy.

Oh my god, they sent a mission to restart the sun and called it "Icarus". Surprising no one, the mission was lost before it reached the sun. That's what happens when you name your project something smart-ass and doomed like that. Earth is frozen in a "solar winter" and I don't know what that is. Some astronauts are going to fly a bomb into the sun in order to restart it. Sure.

They called the second ship "Icarus II", it's like they're *trying* to be eaten by aliens. An astronaut with the most calming voice in the world wants to look at the sun from the ship. Even 3.1% of the sun's light is painful and overwhelming and awe-inspiring and whatnot. MICHELLE YEOH IS IN THIS FILM?!?!?

Over dinner, they discuss the fact that increased solar winds will soon cut them off from the ability to message the moon. Michelle Yeoh works in the ship garden, which has simulated rain, while Cillian Murphy sends a final message home. He says it takes 8 minutes for light to travel from the sun to the earth, so home will know 8 minutes after they're successful. this a suicide mission?

Oh, no, he says he'll "see them in a couple years", so they're apparently hoping to survive "bombing the sun" or whatever. I am skeptical. People are now taking turns "bathing in light" which seems possibly not healthy but okay. One of the men tries to beat up another of the men for "taking too long" recording his message and now the solar winds are too high to send. Rose Byrne reports "an excess of manliness breaking out in the comm center" in the most bored voice and I love her.

Huh, this is a Chris Evans movie. That's a lot of names in this film. They have a holodeck. Chris Evans apologizes in the worst possible way and I love him + want his character and Cilian Murphy's character to kiss. Give me gay astronauts, dammit. Apparently the fate of the first Icarus is some kind of mystery that haunts the captain. Everyone rushes to the observation room to watch Mercury boogie across the sun.

The nerdiest of the nerds on board says he...heard a transmission when Mercury passed by, the iron in the planet acting as an antenna. I'm-- Maybe it's the first Icarus? Sadly, there's no Latin screaming like in Event Horizon. Ah, it's the Icarus distress beacon. We have no idea if they're even alive; they have solar power, recycled water, and plants to create oxygen but in order to survive on the food they had, some folks would need to be...dead.

The Icarus almost made it to the payload point at the sun and I'm super confused; are they in a low-earth... er, low-star orbit? It's been seven years, how has the sun's gravity not pulled them in? How are they precisely in position for the Icarus II to pass nearby them?? The sun is not *stationary* in space; it's moving; in order for Icarus to be at the payload point, they'd need to have somehow achieved a low-star orbit that maintained their exact initial position and that seems really unlikely to me?? I AM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THIS.

"We could fly straight to them," one of the people say. "But we're not going to!" Chris Evans objects and I'm kinda with him? Restart the sun first, guys, THEN mount a rescue operation you haven't been trained to do. Like, this isn't Star Trek! This ship was built to restart the sun in order to save all of humanity; it doesn't have, like, rescue gear and shit.

Another crew member points out that, yes, the Icarus crew is expendable but the payload bomb isn't: two bombs equals two chances to restart the sun. Uhhhh, did they just napkin-math the "how much bomb do we need in order to save humanity"? Someone points out that the "But extra bomb!" plan assumes that the ship can even be flown and that whatever stopped their mission wasn't a fault in the ship. (The...the ship engines *can't* be faulty, though, or it would've fallen into the sun.)

Rose Byrne, one of 2 women on-board, has done basically nothing but sob this entire scene. Great representation, guys. I think Michelle Yeoh had one line and has otherwise had to silently let the men argue over her. Cilian Murphy is put in charge of the decision--no vote--because he's the physicist and the one best equipped to decide whether they need the second payload.

The math turns out to be "asking the computer to run a shiny simulation in the holodeck" which seems like anyone could've done. "Variables infinite; accuracy unknown" is stated by the computer and I... I need to go for a walk. Oh my god. Event Horizon had harder science than this and I remind you that was the movie wherein a ship became a sapient evil lifeform because it black holed itself into a hell dimension! This science is so soft you could spread it on a biscuit and not get any crumbs!

"Space and time will be smeared together! Everything will distort, everything will become unquantifiable!" NO NO NO NO NO WHAT NO WHAT?? Math! It's basically just a guess! Magic! Unicorns could fly out of the sun and shit rainbows all over the planet!!!! "It's like flipping a coin and asking me to decide whether it will be heads or tails" *SCREAMING* "Two last hopes are better than one" and that's the decision. Absolutely no thought whatsoever into whether this will endanger their mission and leave them with NO hope.

Earth is gonna die because of a skinny white boy and I just. Rose wakes Cillian up to tell him that *she* thinks he made the right decision, even if Chris Evans and the rest of the sensible people don't. Because of course the single girl is wet for our nerd hero, lolsob, kill me now. Hang on, we had to pause so Girlfriend could start the movie.

The pilot fucks up the new trajectory and I'm screaming WHY WASN'T YOUR WORK PEER REVIEWED BY ONE OF THESE OTHER FUCKS. Someone needs to go outside and check on the damage, so it's spacesuit time. And now the white girl is literally dressing him in his spacesuit. Michelle Yeoh is smarter than this. I'm just. Her character is trying to go inside a burning room and there's literally nothing she can do.

"Is he getting lesions on his skin from those sun baths he's been taking?"
"I...think so? Odds of him becoming a serial killer?"

Michelle is making group suicide plans to save oxygen while Rose mopes about her impending death. Cillian does useful, hopeful things. Such feminist. ARE THOSE FACES?!? OH GOOD THE CAPTAIN OF THE ICARUS I WENT FULL RELIGIOUS FANATIC. "God, he's like the Ross of the group."

Huge triggering warning for self harm, okay. Men who don't WARN PEOPLE that there's an unknown presence on the ship and instead go to confront it BY THEMSELF must be removed violently from the island. Again: everyone is dying because of a skinny white boy and I am UNHAPPY. (No offense to Cillian.)

"If you need to put a filter--both noise and visual--in order to be creepy, you failed at being creepy."
"Wait, what does he look like??"
"It's the Deadpool makeup. He looks like Deadpool."

We're now down to 3 white people. Poor Mace. He was a true paladin.

....Girlfriend is covering my eyes.

"What happened?"
"She ripped his skin off like a wet condom."
"She's literally here to give him moral support in the fight. That's all."
*makes jerkoff motion*

That was GARBAGE what the heck?


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