Film Corner: Killer Bees

Alright, this one isn't a dragon movie but one of you requested it and I promised to check it out: KILLER BEES. "When a truck crashes in a small town, releasing a torrent of angry killer bees, it's up to the sheriff to convince everyone they're deadly--but no one except a local beekeeper believes him."

This feels like a problem that will solve itself, given enough time?

Somewhere, on a farm, people being stung by bees panic and slap at them rather than walk briskly away. A man dies. Our protagonist is a small town sheriff with a surly teenage boy and a sweet daughter. Shockingly, his wife is alive; I had just assumed he was a single father. Oh, they're getting divorced. I knew we couldn't have a happily married protagonist in a disaster movie! Get your bets in on whether she dies or they reconcile through this terrifying tragedy. She's angry, so my money is tentatively on her dying horribly.

He works for the bank, foreclosing people off their property. Somewhere, a drunken old man runs into a bunch of boxes of live bees from Mexico. The bees, enraged, kill him by swarming down his throat. I guess? It wasn't really clear. Either way, I rule it self-defense.

The little girl informs Dad that in the bee world, women do all the work. "That's a nice change of pace, isn't it?" he remarks. Such a mystery why his wife wants a divorce. Later that night, rebellious teens steal a box of bees. They want honey without having to pay for it. Classic teenage felony. Oh-ho, I have been deceived! They really just wanted bees to bee-bomb someone's property.

"Bees can smell fear" has just been uttered at me.

The sheriff is incredibly squeamish about the autopsy and life was so different before CSI.

He's going to go visit a bee expert. She's attractive and divorced--ooh, the estranged wife's survival changes just took a nosedive. DRAMATIC MUSIC!! This is a FOREIGN BEE, from the dangerous corners of Peru. Not a safe American bee. "What would you say if I told you a farmer lost three head of prize cattle to these bees?" Really? The cattle is the impressive part? Not the dead farmer???? Was this filmed out of order and edited while drunk?

She tells the cops not to tell people about the bees, which I feel contradicts the spirit of the Amazon description, where she was portrayed as the only person willing to believe the sheriff about the bees. ...smash cut to her and the sheriff telling people about the bees. I...I don't...ok. Now Mister Moneybags is here and he's unhappy hearing about these killer bees. He tells him to not tell people about the bees. That's...That's already happened, you can't unring that bell.

"Sheriff, come quick! Killer bees are attacking people at the farmers market!" Oh-ho, it was a clever practical joke. Demonstrating once again that there's no secret to keep here, because everyone already knows. Small children dance around his little daughter, buzzing cruelly. I've seen enough movies to know they're gonna kill the adults and worship the bees as gods.

Oh no! The sheriff turned down a bonetown offer from the bee expert lady, but his son THINKS he went to bonetown. Now this innocent man will suffer needlessly. "If you've got any ideas for how to fix things with your mother, I'm all ears!" he says to his TEENAGE SON, helpfully. Somewhere, a man knowingly opens a box of bees, then freaks out and slaps at them when bees emerge. He dies. Self defense again.

Sheriff is taking his daughter to meet his new "Yes, she's a girl, and yes, she's my friend" girlfriend. HIS DAD DIED FROM A BEE STING??!? That's a lot to dump on us mid-movie!! Somewhere, in a field, bees swarm the local douchebag teenager.

We're....we're in a high speed pursuit with a truck full of killer bees. "Probably thinks I'm Immigration! I'll bet you anything he's illegal." *grinds teeth* The truck crashes. Bees swarm. They disappear to wait and plan their revenge. The town refuses to cancel the Bee Festival.

By the lake, horny teenagers cuddle while a fisherman dies messily. They take refugee in a cheap camping tent. Don't worry, Dad Sheriff is coming! He'll do....something?? Dad Sheriff climbs in his cop car and cycles the siren once. The bees flee instantly, being instinctively afraid of The Man.

The Banker has taken the sheriff's badge, but his family is making homemade flyers to warn people.

[Ableism] Wrinkle in the love interest plot: she has MS and obviously it would be too tragic to fall in love with a sick/disabled person. She's reconciling the wife with her sheriff boyfriend. Ugh.

Bees converge on a wee old woman in her home. The bees want blood. Her shotgun did not save her. Bees are naturally attracted to large loud gatherings of humans. The festival is in danger!! The bees demand flesh for their god. The surly teenage boy is playing original music that has Shakespeare lyrics. That poor boy is gonna be wedgied into next month. Bee special effects have descended onto the festival! Some of the people walking around in a bored manner didn't get the memo.

[Ableism] "I have terminal illness, so it doesn't matter what happens to me, but I think for your sake you should reconsider what you're about to do!" WOW.

Sheriff's wife and daughter are trapped in a barn full of bees. Girlfriend is going to go in and get them because she feels she's the most disposable. She tells everyone to walk out slowly, so of course they stampede. The bees demand blood for this trespass. "We have to keep them in the barn or they'll swarm again", she told them. Now they're planning to burn the barn down.

His wife and daughter are still trapped in there, and his girlfriend is dying, but he feels it will be EASIER to rescue them if the barn is on fire in addition to the bees.

Girlfriend didn't die! The....The killer bees stung her MS away.

In closing, a tornado touches down. ....I didn't make that up.

Thank you for coming, here's my tip jar until the bees sting my own disability away.


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