Storify: Harry Potter and Hogwarts

Storify is shutting down in May and has informed users that we have to migrate our content elsewhere if we wish to save it. This is one of my old threads.

Iron Spike set off the inspirational question:

@Iron_Spike: What the fuck would a Texan magic academy even LOOK like.

@AnaMardoll: No sex ed but everyone has a wand on campus-- oh wait. @andreagrimes @Iron_Spike

Which then led to this:

Why DOESN'T Hogwarts have sex ed? Beyond anything else, the students are BREWING LUST POTIONS. It's like Dumbledore WANTS everyone pregnant by 16, I swear to god.

A reboot in which Hermione successfully lobbies to put love spells on the Unforgivable Curse list. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND CONSENT, RON" she screams when he defends his brothers' business. She dates Ginny instead.

Hermione runs a cis-centering "if men could get pregnant" campaign but Luna corrects her and they fix the verbiage. "Actually, Hermione, I'm a man today and I can get pregnant. At least I think I can. I've not tried yet, but I feel very strongly I can." OF COURSE Luna is genderfluid, I will die on this hill.

Ginny, of course, is staunchly pro-choice after that time she had her life force leached by a parasitic creature inhabiting her body. "What if mom hadn't had YOU," Ron demands like a trump card. "Every child a WANTED CHILD," Ginny retorts, going back to making posters.

Sex ed is taught by Coach Hooch, who does NOT separate by gender. EVERYONE WILL LEARN ABOUT MENSTRUATION. "I HEAR YOU GIGGLING IN MY CLASS MR MALFOY. SAVE YOUR BREATH FOR THE LAPS YOU'LL BE FLYING AFTER." Hooch teaches about same sex relationships because C'MON and when parents complain, Dumbledore is like "you never cared I was gay. I don't understand why Madame Hooch's teaching style bothers you, but I shall speak with her. Candy frog?"

@mikaylamic: And ace, aro, and/or sex-repulsed friendly?

You betcha. Professor Flitwick and Trelawney have a talk with Hooch and she expands the curriculum.

I hear y'all saying ABORTIO is a spell but counterpoint: end-game baby Voldemort. Dumbledore dropped the ball there, I feel. Mind you, withholding vital information that would have helped folks is very in-character for Dumbledore.

@Postnuc_mama: but ALL the girls know that if you have a *problem* madam pomfrey will sort it out. if you're too embarrassed, there's a 5th year ravenclaw who's getting pretty good at the spell. pomfrey's been trying to put up notices FOR YEARS but dumbledore thinks it's "unsightly" and won't hear of it.

The talking-lady painting now dispenses important advice about where to go for contraceptives and day-after pills. Malfoy gets his father to complain to Hooch directly but he's too upper crust to say the Words and Hooch flusters him into leaving.

Meanwhile, Ginny FINALLY gets through to Ron that love potions are awful and we don't all have our best friend there to detox us.

Ron goes to Hermione to tell her he's changed. "So we can date now," he adds happily.

"....Ron, Ginny and I have been dating for 7 months."

"But you...we had a thing!" he protests.

"I'm a lesbian, Ron. But there's other named girls here to date!"


"There's Luna," Hermione says, but a mote of doubt creeps into her voice. "She's a man on Thursdays and every fourth Monday."

Ron screams.

"Ron, we're wizards! Why should it be weird that Luna is a man every fourth Monday? Anyway, weren't you dating Lavender?" she points out.

"The school slut, you mean?"

"Ron! She's poly, which is a perfectly acceptable thing to be. UNLIKE BEING A CHAUVINISTIC ASSHOLE."

Ron sulks for three years, briefly joins a MRA group, and then realizes he loves his sister more than his pride. He stands at their wedding. Two years after THAT, he comes out to Harry and confesses he's always loved him. They begin a romantic long distance relationship.

Ron grapples with identity late in life. He's cis but realizes he's always wanted to experience pregnancy. He invents a spell to do so. Cis men, trans women, and many enby and infertile folks are ecstatic at his invention and Ron gains the fame he always craved as a kid.

Ironically, his husband Harry (as just another auror) is over-shadowed by Ron's acclaim but he likes it that way. He's proud of his husband. Harry gets the quiet loving family life he always wanted and they name their kids something other than Albus Scorpio Werewolfson.

(I do not write fan fiction very often but I do write real books with inclusive gender identities and sexual orientations! Buy my books!)

Ande proposes a delightful change:

@quicksilvre: ok but: trans girl Ron

ACCEPTABLE. (I also have Neville in my head canon as trans, but WE CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE!!)

@quicksilvre: you know Mrs Weasley would be SO FUCKING STOKED that she had a second daughter

Holy shit, she WOULD. It's my head-canon that she REALLY wanted Ron to be a girl, tbh. AND SHE IS.

For serious, the only problem I have with trans characters in Harry Potter is that stupid dorm spell. There's a spell on the girls' dorm that keeps boys (and/or non-girls?) out, and this is a HUGE problem for inclusivity in the series.

For the sake of this fic, I am going to assume that the spell keys to a list one of the teachers keeps, rather than actual gender. Since the spell doesn't cover the boys' dorm (only the girls), I think we can still have trans girl Ron and trans boy Neville. (Yay!)

BUT do not put spells like that in your own fiction without realizing how trans people WOULD HAVE BROKEN THEM about 5 minutes after casting. Because Luna would bounce the fuck off that spell on Thursdays and every fourth Monday and that's not okay, yall. *cuddles genderfluid Luna*

@quicksilvre: I'm imagining Luna's stuff being magically shuttled between dorms accordingly & nobody saying anything about it

@merlinslaugh: I think Hermione admits in one book that it's "old fashioned" it could be done away with when the Hogwarts gets an upgrade?

Which would be awesome! But the history implies that trans kids BEFORE this have been expelled as squibs or something. *sad*

@merlinslaugh: Luna would have the Quibbler on that in a second. Petitions, demos, the works until Dumbldore took that excuse for a spell down

*grabby hands* WOULD READ THIS SO HARD.


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