Film Corner: Warwolves


Alright, we're gonna try another werewolf movie. WARWOLVES. Jack Ford leads a special forces unit back to the United States to hunt down Jake Gabriel-- Wait, the main characters are Jake and Jack? That's gonna play hell on my hearing!

Apparently one of the two men has contacted werewolfism and must be hunted down. Unbeknownst, "three of the female soldiers" in the special forces unit have also contracted werewolfism and are now "she-wolves". Thank god they're not just "wolves", I needed gender confirmation. Nice to see women, plural, in the movie special forces unit for once, but they sound like they're gonna be Dracula Brides except werewolves. So.

JESUS, massive trigger warning for suicide right out of the gate. A soldier writes a letter and then shoots himself. It's unexpected and happened before I understood what was going on. Be careful. Soldiers play football and there are indeed three women in camo pants. They're supermodels instead of body builders, which is disappointing to me, and they're...flirty and kissing the men. Um. I don't think that's...right? This has more of a "company picnic" vibe than I was expecting from Special Forces.

One of the women is married to one of the other men; another is in love with one of them and "followed him into the service"? There's a lot of gender being thrown at me really fast. A general (?) watches them play football but in, like, an ominous way. He's shopping for a special forces team to take down A Terrorist. You could fit what I know about the military in a matchbox without first removing the matches, but I'm pretty sure the military doesn't work like this.

Smash-cut to being ambushed and pinned down in Generic Middle Eastern Townville (I guess?) and I don't mean to be critical but these soldiers seem very overwrought about being shot at. "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T LET ME DIE" is uttered, and so forth. "Good thing I can't have children," a female soldier says of the movie-blood oozing out of her pants pocket, "or I'd be more worried about that [wound]."

Uh, ok. The soldiers are attacked by animalistic locals who are presumably werewolfism carriers. That's great. 6 months later, the American soldiers are back in America and I guess discharged. A bible thumper quotes that "even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers" quote that ends up in EVERY werewolf movie and isn't actually biblical. Oh, this traumatized guy isn't an existing character. He used to be in the forces, "never went overseas" but had some friends who did and "didn't come back the same".

We bounce around to a lot of characters who may or may not be the soldiers from the beginning; they all look like generic pretty white actors so I'm struggling with faces. A remote hotel checks in two older Vietnam vets who say they can't let their own scent get too close to the big city. Idk, you guys. One of the were girls confesses in a confessional that she's about to sin. Her eyes are yellow and her line reading is so astonishingly bad I'm trying to work out if it's a deliberate metaphor for something.

Maybe the traumatized guy was in the soldier group, actually. He's been in hiding, so I guess the "I never went overseas" thing was a lie. Another soldier calls in a panic, saying that "she" and "they" have come around and are coming back. Here we go. Gonna get some werewolves soon. *rubs hands expectantly* A full moon. A girl rides with her boyfriend and they fight. She is attempting to break up with him. He hits a dog that LOOKS a lot like a naked woman. Now they're I Know What You Did Last Summering the body.

The guys sit around a bar trying to work out what to do with the body in their trunk. Two hot ladies walk in and playfully talk about their friend they came to visit and who didn't show up on time. They don't seem very, uh, werewolfy. Ok, so they're literally vampires??! They don't fursplode, they just have long nails, bite the neck, and drink blood; THAT'S VAMPIRES.

Oh, and they seem dead when unconscious. I call that vampire. How do you make a movie about vampires and then market it as being about she-wolf werewolves? How do you do that? They're kind enough to spare the heavily pregnant woman, though I feel like watching vampires murder your boyfriend might cause, like, stress contractions.

In broad daylight, the nervous soldier is attacked by a growly man. The two older Vietnam vets drive the attacker off with guns, but the soldier dies. "I think something really important happened to us over there. It IS the Holy Land, after all." Actual writing in this movie.

A soldier--I can no longer tell any of them apart--wakes up in a hotel room where the Vietnam Vets have hung up relevant newspaper articles like "Missing Cats At Record Levels". I didn't know they tracked numbers like that. Do people call the cops when their cat gets lost? One of the Vietnam Vets is holding forth about the art of movie acting, and that strikes me as an incredibly foolish thing to do in a movie as bad as this.

Ok, so everyone in the Special Forces were infected, but the Protagonist is keeping it at bay with medication and alcohol. The Vets are apparently spending their retirement years hunting Soldier Vampires as....a hobby? I guess? They're vampire hunters because a vampire movie needs vampire hunters, basically. It's really confusing because the description acted like we had one man werewolf (He-wolf) and three lady werewolves (She-wilfs), but instead it's a gender-diverse group of vampires.

I swear, these Amazon Prime movies are always an adventure IF ONLY BECAUSE the description is frequently necessary to decode the film and yet always profoundly wrong. They're like a Rosetta Stone that burns your house down.

I think a big problem here is that the filmmakers don't think women are interesting, so they've crammed the movie with a dozen identical broody guys in the hopes that one of them will carry the plot. Anyway, two or possibly three old guys playing the Van Helsing archetype here have captured a boy werewolf and want his help killing, I guess?, the girl ones. Old Guy can't quite put his finger on why he trusts Cis White Boy Werewolf, and I'm like hmmmm I can think of some reasons why you do.

One of the women werewolves is killing the hunters with her.... gun? I really do not understand all the things that went wrong here. The hunters are trying to shoot at her feet and she manages to get away, because werewolf. I have a lot of questions about the effects budget. The two male werewolves are having a dominance fight and I still honestly can't tell a difference between them and vampires. They have pointy teeth and deep voices, and that's it! No fur! I really feel that fur is mandatory for the whole werewolf thing.

We need gun control so monster hunting movies will have more interesting armament scenes. It's boring if you can just roll up to Wal-Mart and buy a tactical nuke and three flamethrowers.

One of the werewomen is...I guess? pregnant or trying to get pregnant with Jake. Jake seems dubious about having a happy werewolf family. I don't see why not; they don't HAVE to eat people! I guess this is why they made them vampires? So they can't be happy? Oh god no, not an awkward sex scene in dirty barn straw. Oh thank god, he fled on the grounds of their ideological incompatibility.

Nothing interesting has happened, but a white woman who believes Elvis is alive is explaining morality with a "Cherokee legend" about wolves inside us.

Nothing interesting continues to happen. The werewolf woman has poison ivy splotches on her face and elf ears,'s still not fur. Ok, now they sorta look like the cast of CATS.

The werewolves have invaded an AA meeting. I'm not impressed. Oh, obviously the "good" werewolf has glowing blue eyes as opposed to the brown and green ones, that's obviously GREAT. This may honestly be the worst movie I've ever watched, and I'm a MST3K veteran. I think I'm gonna have to bail on this one, it's just so many layers of boring and terribly written. Sorry, y'all, but I can honestly urge you to NEVER watch this movie.


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